Those of you who have been with me since the beginning know a thing or two about the symptoms of and treatments for Pre-Nuptial Syndrome, or PNS (see Surviving PNS: Pre-Nuptial Syndrome, 2/24/09). Some might refer to those that suffer from this disorder as "Bridezilla", "Bride From Hell" or just plain "Bitch!", but I say these women are afflicted. PNS can so permeate the soul of a good and decent woman that she becomes unrecognizable to those around her. Stress kills, but PNS? That's a horse of a different color. It's stress drunk with power!
As an example, I will use a case study. A bride I knew back in 2004, a sweet woman on a mission - to have the most perfect wedding... EVER! DAMN IT!! We'll call her Jody, because I don't know anyone named Jody. Everything started out normal. Jody was like any other bride, excited, determined, thrilled at the prospect of celebrating her big day and starting her life with together with her new husband. Let's call him... poor bastard? I mean Jeff. Jody went through all of the usual steps of wedding planning. Chose the venue, chose the band (in my opinion, she chose the best one), picked out flowers, a dress, cake, champagne - all of it. Now, let me say, I'm not exactly sure what triggered Jody's PNS. It could've been anything. Invitations, favors, anything. Until the day I saw her in action though, I thought PNS was abruptly cut off by, well - the wedding! Not necessarily.
Jody's ceremony was at 5:00pm, with a cocktail hour to follow at 6:00pm and dinner and dancing from 7 - 11:00pm. It was at about 5:57pm that I witnessed one of the most perplexing and horrifying displays of PNS craziness that I've seen in over fifteen years in the wedding business. The ceremony had just finished. It was a beautiful afternoon on the water at undisclosed location in New Jersey facing the Manhattan skyline. The hard part was over, right? The fun was supposed to start. (You all know how I feel about the cocktail hour.) As the band was setting up in the main room of the venue, the cocktail hour was going on outside on the deck and in the bar area. Jody entered the main room, where the tables had been set and the flowers had been placed a few hours earlier. The centerpieces were a well put together mix of roses and lilies with sprays of dendrobium orchids. I never got a chance to ask Jody what the orchids had done to so upset her, but before anyone could stop her, she was attacking! The dendrobiums were her target. Jody proceeded to rip every orchid from it's it's happy home amidst the other happy flowers there to make her day special and beautiful. The orchids ended up in the trash and Jody ended up missing about 25 minutes of cocktail hour. The photographer had been looking for her, Jeff thought she was fixing her makeup, her mother had given up on trying to stop the madness and all I could do was wonder why at that moment she would care about those bloody orchids.
It was PNS, but it carried through the actual nuptials to become something more complex, something more sinister in it's effects on the bridal brain - RDD: Reception Dysmorphic Disorder. Jody was probably unclear with her florist about her extreme hatred of all things dendrobium. It's possible the orchids were never discussed at all, and the florist took a little creative license, which would have been fine... any other day. Unfortunately, what looked like a stunningly decorated room to everyone else, looked like a giant crap-fest to Jody. She couldn't help it. She had built everything up so much in her mind that that was the only thing it could look like. It's like perfectly normal sized women that think their jeans make their asses look fat. The problem is, at that point in your wedding day, if you haven't stopped yet to realize there's something bigger going on than a party - no one can help you. Except maybe the bartender. Jody chose a time at which most of us would say "let's party" or "whatever, I'm married now... champagne for everyone" to freak out. She was still in planning mode, and at that moment - the planning is over. Let go and let party ladies.
By the end of the first dance Jody was fine. She was smiling, laughing, dancing and having a great time. The crisis had past. She enjoyed the food, the music and her guests all night. The evening ended with hugs and best wishes, just as it should. So how can you avoid a floral massacre or ice sculpture decapitation or bridesmaids' jewelry meltdown of your own? Keep the points below in mind, and they should help talk you down.
- Put the elements together in advance and be specific.
- Make sure you discuss your dislikes as freely as you discuss your favorite things with all of your vendors. This will help you avoid discovering something you find hideous (like Jody's dendrobiums) at your reception.
- Remember the difference is in the details, but your guests are nowhere near as picky as you are. Once you're in it, it's probably best to let it go and focus on the positive.
- Your wedding should at least be as much about your marriage as it is about your menu.
- Surround yourself with people that calm you, especially if you are a Type A person to begin with.
- Hire people you trust. Find a wedding coordinator that you can communicate well with and let her handle it... you've got a party to get to!
